Ahem.

Hello again,
I'm writing in here --my virtual diary with an assumption no one read it (actually no one did. lol,). I write everything and anything because i think this is one of a way to keep a journal for me. I have several diaries which sometimes i write on it when i am in the mood and once i started write on it, i wrote a freaking long story, and in any other day i was too lazy too hand-writing on anything because my hand-writing is ugly, So i wrote it here, sometimes i published it sometimes it stays on draft.

Anyway, for those who spend time to read through my 'online diary' i'm just going to say.

'Ahem, sir or madam, thank you for your time and you can judge me in anyway you want to, i don't mind. I don't publish just anything, I meant, of course i keep private stuffs private and you'll never know... everything in here were only the surface. I published it online because sometimes i wanted to ranted or to be heard or simply too frustrated to kept it all inside. k, thx. peace and love.'

Letter. from past, to future.

Past midnight and I’m wide awake, inspired probably. I was talking to myself said, you need to learn time management and get rid your laziness, so I rushed to my room rummaged through my old study desk tried to look for old but unused note book. Then I found my old diaries.

Re-read my old diaries, it felt like ‘listening to a younger version of me’ she talked about school and boys and bffs in a childish tone with obvious sad or happy looks on her face. I listened to her stories, and laughed at how silly her brain work was, I know her stories and her feelings, but I don’t recognize her ‘who is she? Are you really me from the past? She seemed bright but shy.. she isn’t me, not the me now..’

After finish read it (I skipped some embarrassing pages, too embarrassed to read it haha)  I felt some kind of longing, she’s gone now, long gone.. because I, no longer her. It felt like we're two separate person and those stories are no longer my past but ‘her’ forever stories, and she’ll forever tell me the same stories on and on.. and on. ..

She’ll keep it for me, to remember that she was exist, she was once alive in this world. She might be me, myself in the past, but she is not me in present, she, no longer existed… I feel sad and bitter. The only person who ever know her stories is me, the one who know her better is me. Did she know? that somehow she’ll get an answer from her future self? I read her writing, and how I hope I could tell her to 'keep her head high' or 'everything will be fine'.

She was bright and smart and she didn’t realize it. She was trying to tell me, she tried to seek the answers the answer she hoped I'll have it, she may long gone but her memories remain.

She was my past, but I see that she was a different person, instead looking through a mirror when I saw her, I saw a young girl with nervous smile and eyes to the floor, but when she talked she talk with optimism. If I ever see her again, I will give her a hug and tell her she’s doing fine, don’t regret anything because I don’t, keep your stories forever because it’s yours, not mine.. because I, I have my own stories and I’ll make new ones..

And to my future self, you probably imagine me sitting in front of you, talking how my life has been and how I messed it up, and telling you how many things I regretted.
I can’t hear what you’re saying right now, but I’m pretty sure you’ll say ‘Don’t regret it, you may lose some or never find the answer, but you’ll keep on walking and somehow you’ll meet me. At some point you’ll realize that.. you once alive and live a good life, I should thank you.’

Dear my future self, I’ll probably ask you lot of questions and some of it you probably don’t have the answers. I won’t blame you, so please do not have regret too.

Dear my future self, don’t look to the past, because the past doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to me, it’s my stories.

13 July 2015 (3:56 AM)